Life + Christmas

Hello everyone! Betsy here…

Okay, so time for some true confessions…

November was a tough month. I’ve been down lately. I’ve been really seeing failures in my life in a lot of areas. I do not like cleaning our apartment, I don’t like decorating, I don’t like all the things a wife is supposed to like. And even if a wife doesn’t like them, she’s still supposed to do them…I fail at both areas, liking chores and doing them. I’ve been seeing more and more that I love James with a selfish love a good percentage of the time (this looks like me only loving him when I feel loved by him first). For a while in November I was feeling like I was being a boring teacher at school, and I didn’t know how to love my co-workers or my students. I was and still am feeling dry in my love for people at church, too.

After much down-ness and many difficult conversations with my husband, it seemed like these failures were all pointing to a deeper problem…my relationship with God. I’ve felt really far from him lately (over the last few months actually). It’s a depressing and disheartening place to be. I know I need Him, and that I won’t feel any true, deep, all-satisfying joy apart from Him, and yet when my heart doesn’t feel really needy for Him, I walk away from Him. I just don’t love God. I don’t feel heart-felt thanks toward Jesus. I don’t see Him as my truest reality, as the reason I’m alive. I don’t see Him as my Everything. Instead, Jesus is this responsibility hanging over my head. He is my Read-the-Bible-in-1-Year plan (which I’m literally almost 10 months behind onJ). He is the prayer life I’m supposed to have, but which I’ve been neglecting.

Then a couple weeks ago, God drew my eyes to this book on my nightstand. It’s called “A Praying Life” by Paul E. Miller, which James’ buddy here at church loaned to us. I read a chapter and the Lord used it to start melting my cold heart. Condemnation and guilt had been increasing in my heart since feeling the weight of my failures. And instead of running to Jesus (who felt so far away) and bringing Him my hurts and guilt, I chose to dwell on my insufficiencies, which only led to the growth of my guilt and condemnation. I think this is what made my heart become cold and joyless. But the chapter I read in “A Praying Life” highlighted the idea that we aren’t supposed to come to God with a clean slate. We’re supposed to come broken and needy. We’re supposed to come with our failures. I loved this paragraph:

“When it comes to prayer, we…just need to get the words out. Feel free to stop and pray now. It’s okay if your mind wanders or your prayers get interrupted. Don’t be embarrassed by how needy your heart is and how much it needs to cry out for grace. Just start praying. Remember the point of Christianity isn’t to learn a lot of truths so you don’t need God anymore. We don’t learn God in the abstract. We are drawn into His life.” (41)

I was stunned. It was a light of hope into my despairing heart. I realized that God wants to enter my mess! And I’m messy! I knew I had heard this before, but having a whole lot more failures become evident to me knocked me off my feet. And this truth picked up my heart and my low spirits.

I knew I wanted to share this with you all because I felt like I needed to be real with where my heart has been lately. I didn’t know how this would relate to Christmas, though, until now. God entering into my mess is like Christmas Day: God entering the world through His Son, Jesus. Jesus left the Father’s side, took on flesh, and entered into a messy, dirty planet Earth as an Innocent Baby. This is all because He wants a relationship with us.

Even now, this Good News doesn’t grab my heart like I want it to, but He knows. My heart doesn’t rejoice at this truth. But He knows, and He welcomes me. He calls me to cry out to Him in prayer and be needy for Him. And so my desire is to continue to repeat the miracle of the God-man coming to Earth as Christmas Day approaches.

Here’s a song I’m singing and playing for church this Sunday. The words are ones that I want to keep repeating to myself so that the Truth will sink in, even when my heart doesn’t feel it.

WELCOME TO OUR WORLD

~Chris Rice

Tears are falling, hearts are breaking

How we need to hear from God

You’ve been promised, we’ve been waiting

Welcome Holy Child, Welcome Holy Child

Hope that you don’t mind our manger

How I wish we would have known

But long-awaited Holy Stranger

Make Yourself at home, Please make Yourself at home

Bring Your peace into our violence

Bid our hungry souls be filled

Word now breaking Heaven’s silence

Welcome to our world, Welcome to our world

Fragile finger sent to heal us

Tender brow prepared for thorn

Tiny heart whose blood will save us

Unto us is born, Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around You

Breathe our air and walk our sod

Rob our sin and make us holy

Perfect Son of God, Perfect Son of God

Welcome to our world

Here's a link to Chris Rice singing this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBGZeWYmOUM